Hot summer, living in the city May 14, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Family, Friends, Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
It’s hot in Seattle. Very much summer-like. It makes me a tad lazy and sleepy. I am grateful, though, that at least in my busy day, running from one commitment to another, I’m at least running through a beautiful green campus and taking in the outdoors.
I have also been thinking about how fast my life has been, how I don’t do well (mentally, that is) if I’m under-utilized, etc. It feels good to be in a swirl of things, but I am also thinking a lot about priorities in life lately. Call it a quarter-ish-life crisis? I want to spend time with my loved ones more and make that my top priority, cut myself some slack when I’m not doing “stellar” in every thing I’m getting involved with (though it is nice to deliver well on the things I commit to and try my best)… I guess I’m craving a better compartmentalization of school and work commitments on one side and social and family/friends commitments on the other (acknowledging these often interplay).
Oh, it’s the same ‘ol story about finding that elusive balance in life. I guess I’m revisiting it because it was recently hinted that my health (amount of sleep and quality and timing of meals during the school/work week) have been suffering. But in the same breath expectations of multi-tasking and doing it well were reiterated. So, I’ve been thinking lately how I know a lot of people who appear to do it ALL. better, but I am also convinced lately that life is such a different state for the different people I look up to… I am finding new merit in the wisdom of someone very dear to me – to be truly happy and live in the moment, I must stop comparing myself to others. My life is mine and it’s unique. I guess the only thing is – it’s nice to hear that people you respect and look up to (not compare yourself to 
) respect you in return, value your efforts, your contributions, and are proud of your achievements. It’s nice (and empowering, uplifting) to hear that once in a while.
P.S. I fear being not-good at all things I take up, simply because I am stretched too thin or worse, because I choose not to prepare properly because I am too busy but still want to enjoy time with my family and friends.
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Melons April 23, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
I am definitely carrying too many proverbial melons under one armpit. I have a lot of different activities going thus quarter – from a demanding class schedule and really ambitious projects, to a new part-time job where I am surrounded by experts and must learn 100 mph, to a new challenge leading my own step class once per week. Oh, yeah, and trying to get to an insanely early yoga class twice per week.
I am tired of looking at frustrating problems (like tough group projects) as opportunities to grow and learn. No. Enough of that smoke’n'mirrors. There comes a point when it’s no longer an opportunity and just a pain. I want to be learning from positive experiences, not just from adversities and challenges.
Perhaps I am just tired and whiny. I wonder if I will stumble through it all successfully and become one of the old people who does a lot of different things well, with a lot of grace. Will people ever perceive my quiet, experienced poise as wisdom?
I am still eager to learn. Perhaps more than I have been in a long time. But I am also tired and getting a little impatient for arriving at that calm part of life where knowledge and experience settle in for an ease and effortless smiles all around.
Maybe it’s the discipline, stupid? March 29, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Education, Grad school, Life, Work.add a comment
I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to others. Especially in grad school where everyone comes from a different background, is in a different place in life, and has different goals in life. But I can’t help it. And I do believe some comparison helps – hopefully makes you more competitive and driven. Hopefully the effect is productive. Well, not 100 percent true and not 100 percent of the time. Just did that mistake I inwardly laugh at other people for – shared a grade I got in casual conversation with a master’s colleague. She was at least nice enough to share her grade – rather better. I immediately proceed to do the other thing I inwardly pity people about – feel sorry for myself.
Yes, I am constantly reminded that just when I think someone is amazing (working in an internship-type job, TA-ing, and taking max full time credit hours and getting great grades, plus volunteering on top of all that – this example is a different colleague, from a different master’s degree program), someone else appears to do even more, even better.
But then I wonder if telling myself that I want to enjoy school, not whiz through it at break-neck stressful speed (after all, working is stressful and unpleasant enough), is just a copout. I used to be very driven and energetic. I wonder if some of my spirit has been bruised, or if it’s as simple as an attitude change based on new priorities in life.
Or maybe if I get a part-time job or internship or add another full class, I will maximize my time and the discipline of being so busy will help me get back into top shape, do more of my readings, focus more, be better overall.
I guess I won’t know for sure until something in my schedule changes significantly.
The lonesome feeling March 14, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
No matter how old I get or how much school and work I’ve been through, on occasion, I still get this empty, lonely feeling of abandonment. It strikes when I have a scary test or work project and a lot of on-my-own time to work on it. Some people slack off, some people buckle down. I get lonely and “cold.” A part of me wonders if it’s the residue of abandonment that I experienced in small and infrequent, but exaggerated for a child’s mind, when I was very little. I remember rainy cold days, my nose stuck to the window and I look outside, sobbing and whispering to myself. I think my mom used to run to the store across the street and it seemed to me like forever.
To this day, I can focus and do my own work so long as I am surrounded by people – even if they are strangers, even if they are not talking.
I am sure it is not a unique experience, but I guess it continues to take me by surprise when it hits on occasion so much later in my life. True it happens less often. And true, it doesn’t hit when I am working on a short timeline and I am engaged in feverous work toward that short-term deadline. It only strikes when I have comfortable time to work on something. Perhaps it’s self-sabotage because I work best under pressure and this feeling enthralls me, eating up the generous time until it’s waddled down to urgency again.
Oh, well. Let’s see if I’m old enough now to control it a little better.
Buckets of time January 17, 2012
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Who doesn’t struggle with time management? I definitely feel that out-of-control rickety race through the week today. So much so, that I had an odd observation – after years of billing my work time to clients in increments of 15 minutes, I still struggle with that reflex when I try to just clear out my personal email or work on homework for this class or that one… I thought it would be a counter-productive hang-up, but I find that it’s actually forcing me to be somewhat more efficient – at least in the sense that I start feeling antsy when I spend “too much” time on a specific task and feel like I need to move on to that project that’s due later this week. Or in my case, two projects due the day after tomorrow. *sigh* Here’s slightly hoping for a snowmageddon to give me extra crunch time.
From exotic, to assimilated, to interesting, to ordinary, to common January 13, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Education, Grad school, Language, Life, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
Mid-May this year will mark the half-way point – I will have then spent half of my life in Bulgaria and half of it in the United States. It’s another milestone. I’ve had several in the last handful of years. First, I turned 27 – silly mark, but I had always imagined “what my life might be like” because I am born on the 27th day of the month and somehow that seemed significant. My life was good. I was healthy, in love, living in a beautiful city with the love of my life, making decent money. But I was very stressed. Work was quickly going downhill. On my birthday I got laid off, by phone. It was actually a relief. It was clear it was coming for a long time and I was so distressed I hadn’t been working to my full potential in a while.
Life has been funny. Often stressful, but it’s always worse in the moment than later, when you reflect upon it.
Then I worked in a place I had a premonition about. I knew it would become very difficult to thrive there very quickly, but I took the opportunity because it was a job offer in 2009. Those things were hard to come by (and still aren’t easy). Soon, I was at my wit’s end. Worse than any previous work (or otherwise experience). Blessing in disguise, it turned out. Two things happened because of how miserable I was at work – I got into therapy, something I had wanted to do for years. The other hidden benefit – I applied to grad schools. Finally.
The year 2011 was by far the wildest emotional roller-coaster I’ve been on yet. I got accepted into the fancy-name, DC school of my undergrad dreams. Validation. Relief.
A few days later I got forced to resign from the dreadful job. No relief. Sort of an empty feeling instead. Peculiar. Oh, and a lot of frustration and resentment. Almost anger. Mixed with regret for not saying proper goodbyes to almost anyone I enjoyed working with there (which was all but one).
Flew to DC for the second time in my life. Nostalgia. But also a lot optimism for the future. Feeling very torn. But beginning to realize that option would be too expensive and perhaps not the best fit for me at this stage in life. Other than therapy, this was the second overt sign of a looming-30s crisis and/or life reflection.
Meanwhile, a wonderful career opportunity opened up. It was just a few weeks after leaving the other job. The company where I had wanted to work since 2008 was finally making me an offer – and what a package! Was I dreaming? But I was so nervous accepting as it looked likely grad school was in the cards for the fall. I was indecisive for as long as I could. I got a lot of conflicting advice from a lot of people I respect. In the end, I went for it.
Wonderful experience. Perhaps it really isn’t me. Perhaps I really can do a good job at this type of work if I’m in the right environment, encouraged the right way, and criticized with respect. Felt vindicated and overjoyed to work with wonderful people. Sadness crept in.
I had also been accepted to a local university – my top choice, in a program that was a much better fit.
Moved in September. Resigned from my wonderful job. Started school the following Monday. Loved it.
Still enjoyed myself through the rest of the year, but kept wondering – how do I now see my life unfolding? I am getting “old.” Friends are having kids. I am just embarking on a 3-year journey. And on top of that, money’s melting away and I’m not even getting scholarships or other merit-based awards for school. Grades are OK, but that too I am not used to. I think I’m becoming just ordinary with age.
Beginning to wonder if it’s due to my lack of focus. I shouldn’t still be searching for my passion. I should allow myself to just pursue it. I’m overly cautious. But I’m almost at the point where I throw all that to the wind and try to live who I am.
30 is almost here. And the half-way point of my split life will come soon after. I have strong opinions about my home country, but I also miss my memories and I wish I went back to visit more often. Perhaps it is time to start traveling. Just do things, enough with the planning and dreaming and questioning. Baby steps. Going to our home of 27-fame for my 30th birthday. It should feel nice to embrace a city that I only grew to love (I was originally very antagonistic having only moved there for work). It will be changed. But not more than my home city. And cities, like people, change over time. A little for the better, a little for the worst. But they are who they are and I still love them, even if the sense of nostalgia changes flavor each time I visit.
Introspection & Serendipity March 7, 2011
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Life, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.Tags: Take Back Your Time
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I had a week off from work – vacation for the first time in a long while. It’s been a relaxing time of reflection and I hope to be freer to feel fulfilled soon. I made a decision to not stay in my current work situation much longer. I wish I could say I will be able to learn from this latest unfortunate experience by becoming more assertive, but I may not be able to do quite that… What I am now most nervous about is finding the next, truly fulfilling endeavor in time to allow myself to leave this unhealthy situation on my own terms, with a semblance of confidence left. I have sounded like a broken record to my loved ones for far too long, and I’ve been savoring the “life is bigger and more enjoyable than this” sentiment for too long as well.
I keep working on alternatives – job hunting, grad school applications, savings (the grad school being the ultimate dream scenario). With some trepidation I look forward to mid-month when I hope to have good news on school apps, but I am trying to prepare myself regardless with job apps in the meantime.
And this vacation (stay-cation really) has been insightful – was able to unplug, visit with a friend, see life in a bigger-picture way once more, visited family, spent time with my love, enjoyed yoga and step aerobics, cooked, did fun activities (like a flower & garden show, a historic tour of the city/tourist day adventure and a half day at the zoo, also getting a year’s membership and looking forward to more peaceful times there, with friends, family and lots of furry creatures) and probably too much retail therapy.
Ultimately, serendipity has been everywhere – at the book signing we went to by Russell Simmons that turned out to be about yoga, meditation and finding passion in life, to the two+ examples of bullying and effective ways to cope with it (i.e. assertiveness works), to running into a fellow grad school applicant in yoga class, to reflecting on the bigger meanings of life with the recent happiness and pain in friends’ paths. It is time for me to make a life change and take some decisive steps. Deep breaths.
Serendipity showed up through my partner in many – sometimes strange – ways lately too. He found a blog by a person from Oregon (where we used to live) who is ending their life in less than two days’ time now. Very thought-provoking (self-euthanasia is legal there, this person has fought cancer for years) and the ultimate put-life-in-perspective pause.
The other recent (not this past/vacation week, but a few weeks earlier) sign so to describe it, via my partner, was taking taking a happiness index test that showed just how miserable I have been lately and it made me think about some of the great opportunities I sabotaged myself on last summer because I was in such a dark place.
No more excuses. Either do something about it or do the best with it as is.
Sustainable Seattle’s Happiness Initiative (check out the happiness survey you can take online):
http://sustainableseattle.org/sahi
The blog string by the person who’s about to end their battle with cancer:
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/fy6yz/51_hours_left_to_live/
Reflections from 2009 December 27, 2009
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Dogs, Family, Gibberish, Life, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
This has been quite the year! Was laid off just before my birthday in January. Sadly, it was mostly a relief. Very unfortunate way to leave a job. But all in all, I learned a lot about work and about life from that company and its people. Was one of the last ones left, actually. But the collapse was not all due to the economic crisis, so that made things even harder and more frustrating.
After a few months of unemployment (and being a statistic), during which I got back in shape with regular gym classes (thank Goodness for step aerobics, pilates, and yoga), got a job in Seattle, lived apart from my love for a summer and stayed with my family until we moved to Seattle.
Reconnected with many friends and family back in the Puget Sound. Enjoyed a few friends’ weddings. Got a big scare from grandmother a few times, but she’s doing better now and is home, nearby – yet another reason it is good to be back in Seattle. About a month before year’s end, we got a dog, finally! The Boston Terrier we’ve been wanting for several years now.
Life is still stressful – financially (because of the difficult environment for job hunting, my love’s sacrifice for moving to Seattle is that he’s still job hunting and my work is good but uncertain in the face of clients’ budget cuts). But we are in a very happy place, it feels like home and it feels warm and cozy. It will all keep getting better.
Here’s to the last few days of this year being as wonderful as we want to make them and Cheers for an even more magical 2010. 
Why is customer service so poor? March 17, 2009
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Gibberish, Life, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
Why is customer service so poor so often nowadays? I’d imagine that in a time when customers are become a rare breed, any potential buyer would be treated with more deference than ever. But no, it seems that increasingly I run into rude, short, presumptuous people who assume that you are about to damage or steal the goods.
Oh, well, perhaps we are all on edge lately. There is plenty of anger and heavy helpings of blame to go around with the economy tanking, scarce jobs, tight budgets, health care woes, homes in jeopardy, and a worldwide crisis hitting nearly simultaneously all around. Perhaps everyone’s attitude should flip to the positive – and perhaps we can start as customers and maybe it’ll then rub off to the grumpy customer service reps. Finger’s crossed.
On a related (or not) tangent, I noticed tonight – when chatting with a friend I hadn’t seen in nearly 10 years – there were two things I didn’t consciously recognize before: 1) people grow apart, in just a few years, and really don’t have much in common, making any run-ins somewhat mildly uncomfortable, as you try to feel out each other for new character traits… shouldn’t be that way; that was probably more me than the other person’s approach; 2) I’ve been very stealthily avoiding to mention that I’ve been laid off – in any circumstances, really – from a career networking casual event, to job fairs, to catching-up encounters with friends. I am not sure how to analyze that exactly… I feel ashamed a bit, as though I wasn’t strong enough of a link in a company to be kept on… I know that’s not the case, but I can’t help the subconscious voice in my head. Maybe that’s the key to the full-force “recovery” we all need – a collective attitude change and a resurgence of self-confidence, power and determination.
The tangential frustrations of unemployment March 11, 2009
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Family, Gibberish, Life, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
When you are unemployed and feel you’ve taken all the right steps, but the right opportunities just aren’t aligning yet, you begin to get frustrated. You try to catch yourself and take a deep breath every time exasperation creeps in, but it’s tough. Especially when loved ones – who only mean to help – begin suggesting the leadership phrases you should include in your resume, and where you could look for jobs, etc. You want to take it out on them for not giving you enough credit that you’ve done all of that legwork already, all of the preparation, all of the networking, all of the job application submissions with customized cover letters each… But you can’t, because it’s not fair. They mean well. And they themsevles have a good job … in this economy. It’s not a derision on your accomplishments, it’s a good-intentioned helpful hand. Take a deep breath. Pause. Think about that. And it’s probably better that you say nothing if all you can muster to say is either a knee-jerk overreaction or a sarcastic comment that would offend the helpful, sympathetic friend or relative.
I guess the tougher challenge is to keep up your own good spirits. But the answer is definitely not taking out frustration on those around you who are genunitely supportive, even if their way of demonstrating support frustrates you.
