The whirlwind of inactivity March 9, 2009
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Gibberish, Life, Psyche, Work.add a comment
Lay offs are part of life, and a very common one of late. It has affected me in strange ways. At first, friends of mine were impacted. It was surreal and I wanted to help them, but I knew the workforce would be struggling for a while. When it was my turn, I had so much in terms of foreshadowing and forewarning that I had been wringing my hands for long enough to actually feel relieved when I finally knew the certainty. Then, the first reaction was guilt at that feeling. The second reaction, very strangely, has been complacency. Anecdotal this could be a blessing in disguise – giving the type of time one always wish they had to catch up on reading for fun, to research graduate school programs, to volunteer, to examine in-depth where to take the career track next. But that’s just anecdotal. After only a short while, one begins to feel restless, anxious to move on to the next productive phase of life and all of a sudden, even though one’s out of a job, the rat race feeling descends back almost mysteriously.
After a beautifully relaxing weekend, Monday morning started off with snow falling in such big rags the the wind was actually picking it up and raising it up before it sank lower than my third-floor window.
There are things that one does find time for that are useful – joining a massive social networking site that has been on the back burner for years and reconnecting with long-lost friends; actually catching up on for-fun reading; organizing the home abode, shifting furniture around, and resurrecting board games; re-energizing the gym membership with regular classes; cooking more; spending more quality time with family and friends, etc.
There is just one thing that appears to be on the back burner now – job and grad school research. Strange, isn’t it! And definitely very guilt-inducing. But for some reason, the most effort I have to put in is for this seemingly natural activity. I worry, most days, that I let the news cycle, Twitter, the blogosphere, overwhelm me with “there is no hope and there will not be hope for economic recovery for a long time to come” and find that it is futile to look. How sad that the deterrent is actually getting to me. Or perhaps it is an excuse? How awful would that be.
Hypocrisy turns yet another eerily dangerous corner September 6, 2008
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Civics, Elections 2008, Media, Psyche, Writing.1 comment so far
The United States cries foul when other countries suppress their freedom of the press, yet…
I don’t know about you, but this worries me! If the United States starts arresting its own protesters and journalists and charging those who dare speak out and question any political establishement with terrorism of all things… then why should the rest of the world pay attention to our condemnation of the Chinese censorship of the Internet, the Russian mysterious killings of journalists, kidnappings of newscasters and closing of media outlets in Iraq and Afghanistan, or the open prosecution of reporters in the Philippines?
Loving Seattle May 1, 2008
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Energy efficiency, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings.add a comment
I am really enjoying a pseudo business trip to Seattle. It’s strange, it’s almost as though I haven’t been to the city in a year… and actually it has been that long and longer. I live in Portland! Such an odd concept, still getting used to it and definitely yearning for Seattle.
There are so many new buildings – condos, apartments, hotels – in the Denny area! It’s incredible. I’m thoroughly enjoying typing from the comfortable… hmmm… not sure what this particular piece of furniture is called, but is a couch-type with a back on it’s narrow side a longish, half-way down the length, side-rest. It’s intended for reading, I know that much. 
It’s right by the huge window and I’m looking out on Lake Union, bar a few not-too-ugly factory-style buildings converted to modern office spaces/loft-like and hip.
The bathroom has a bathtub and separate shower, all-Plexiglas cube. To enhance the see-through openness of the place, there are sliding doors on two sides – one’s the door, the other is a window-like area along the bathtub that opens into the main room, and across the bed you actually gaze out the window. I might try sitting there a little later in the bathtub, watching the city lights, or the news on TV, and the only thing that would have been event nicer is a glass of wine. I could go down to the Whole Foods and grab a bottle, I suppose, or some tea… and I might actually do that last thing, because my room has only coffee in it and I’d like to relax.
I feel calm. I’m still a bit stressed for tomorrow, the all-agency meeting, the drive back in the humongous Suburban, but that’s come when it comes. For now I am enjoying being back in the city I am so drawn to. I still feel a sense of nostalgia but it’s sweeter up here. I miss the friends that used to live in the city itself – they are all scattered now in the suburbs, engaged, and/or married with children. How did we all grow up so fast?
I’m still not sure if I will be satisfied and happy living back in Seattle, but I really do love the feeling the city gives me this evening. It’s vibrant, it’s lively, it’s alive.
I miss my love. I also miss my friends stronger when I’m here than when I’m in Seattle. Strange as it is… I guess the proximity feeds the earning.
I enjoyed the cooking school experience as well. Fun, low key, yet feeling like we accomplished something. (under the experienced eyes of two chefs, of course) Eating by the waterfront is always a pleasure as well – and Lake Union is probably one of the nicest backdrops in Seattle.
Feeling way too lovely tonight. I will do my best to enjoy it while it is untarnished.
Goodnight.
Are there just so many prototypes? November 20, 2007
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Gibberish, Life, Psyche, Science, Superfluous musings.2 comments
Living in cities that are populous enough that I see new faces every day, I’ve observed something interesting all my life. It’s probably a phenomenon others’ share as well. The experience is something like this: you notice that everyone around you – all the strangers – map quite well onto other people you know. I am talking about appearances only, here, not personality or anything deeper than that. But almost anyone I see and meet looks like someone else and has similar mannerisms… you can sort of see what “kind” of person you are resting your gaze upon. It’s rather odd. I’ve met my share of “doubles” – someone who looks exactly like your best friend but lives half a world around and doesn’t speak the same language.
So, lately, I’ve been wondering if there are only a limited number of human prototypes, so to speak. And if everyone is essentially a print that belongs to a particular “kind” of person, then could you line up all the people in the world, according to similarities in features, body type and mannerisms? And if so, could you observe a continuance? And maybe you would see that people, all people, are alike because you’ll have an endless string of people who look similar to each other and the features gradually blend in with next string of prototypes and so on until all people around the world could be connected in a blend of sorts. I’m having a hard time explaining this. Let’s see… it’s like that Michael Jackson video (5:27). There.
Paranoia & distress November 20, 2007
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Psyche, Work.add a comment
I had a very stressful day at work. I’ve been working on a project for more than a week now that is very detail-demanding and it has been changing literally every day, sometimes multiple times a day, with many unknowns and a very respectable list of deliverables. I’ve been working on this with several colleagues, but I was to keep track of most details and do a lot of the e-mailing to clients. So, as detail-oriented as I am, all of the uncertainty and changes, drove me crazy. I’ve been commiserating with one colleague who’s been helping me tremendously with logistics and I felt really bad by this afternoon for how much I’d been hogging her time and “complaining” about every twist and turn.
But before I left for my day off and then Thanksgiving break (the project has a due date of Tuesday after the holiday), I got a message from my boss to leave my work laptop at work… just because. I was planning on taking it home to follow e-mail tomorrow once in a while and provide any documents that may be needed in my absence. That didn’t matter. SO, now I am paranoid about the reason for the request to leave behind my laptop. I’m feeling doubly guilty for being so stressed out and stressing out my colleagues along the way and now I’m composing all sort of scenarios where the leaving-the-laptop-behind is some sort of punishment-in-the-works. I can’t bear failure and I feel like one right now.
Most likely, it is all just in my head. But this kind of thing happens to me often. How to avoid it? How can I prevent this self-doubt, reading too much into coincidental happenings, and really preventing some of the trouble in the first place by not complaining (even if politely and always diplomatically) when I am under pressure. I think this is a flaw that is much more visible to outsiders but the question (as I’ve recognized it for a long time) is how to control it, how to start mending it? Any ideas?
