Hot summer, living in the city May 14, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Family, Friends, Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
It’s hot in Seattle. Very much summer-like. It makes me a tad lazy and sleepy. I am grateful, though, that at least in my busy day, running from one commitment to another, I’m at least running through a beautiful green campus and taking in the outdoors.
I have also been thinking about how fast my life has been, how I don’t do well (mentally, that is) if I’m under-utilized, etc. It feels good to be in a swirl of things, but I am also thinking a lot about priorities in life lately. Call it a quarter-ish-life crisis? I want to spend time with my loved ones more and make that my top priority, cut myself some slack when I’m not doing “stellar” in every thing I’m getting involved with (though it is nice to deliver well on the things I commit to and try my best)… I guess I’m craving a better compartmentalization of school and work commitments on one side and social and family/friends commitments on the other (acknowledging these often interplay).
Oh, it’s the same ‘ol story about finding that elusive balance in life. I guess I’m revisiting it because it was recently hinted that my health (amount of sleep and quality and timing of meals during the school/work week) have been suffering. But in the same breath expectations of multi-tasking and doing it well were reiterated. So, I’ve been thinking lately how I know a lot of people who appear to do it ALL. better, but I am also convinced lately that life is such a different state for the different people I look up to… I am finding new merit in the wisdom of someone very dear to me – to be truly happy and live in the moment, I must stop comparing myself to others. My life is mine and it’s unique. I guess the only thing is – it’s nice to hear that people you respect and look up to (not compare yourself to 
) respect you in return, value your efforts, your contributions, and are proud of your achievements. It’s nice (and empowering, uplifting) to hear that once in a while.
P.S. I fear being not-good at all things I take up, simply because I am stretched too thin or worse, because I choose not to prepare properly because I am too busy but still want to enjoy time with my family and friends.
Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone
Melons April 23, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
I am definitely carrying too many proverbial melons under one armpit. I have a lot of different activities going thus quarter – from a demanding class schedule and really ambitious projects, to a new part-time job where I am surrounded by experts and must learn 100 mph, to a new challenge leading my own step class once per week. Oh, yeah, and trying to get to an insanely early yoga class twice per week.
I am tired of looking at frustrating problems (like tough group projects) as opportunities to grow and learn. No. Enough of that smoke’n'mirrors. There comes a point when it’s no longer an opportunity and just a pain. I want to be learning from positive experiences, not just from adversities and challenges.
Perhaps I am just tired and whiny. I wonder if I will stumble through it all successfully and become one of the old people who does a lot of different things well, with a lot of grace. Will people ever perceive my quiet, experienced poise as wisdom?
I am still eager to learn. Perhaps more than I have been in a long time. But I am also tired and getting a little impatient for arriving at that calm part of life where knowledge and experience settle in for an ease and effortless smiles all around.
Anticipation woes April 9, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Fitness, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Superfluous musings.add a comment
Feeling incredibly nervous. About to teach my first full step class by myself and definitely feeling the pre-event jitters. But I am also eager to just get it going and done. I want to do well/run through it fairly smoothly and I also want the class to have fun. I need some good karma.
I suppose the thing I am most looking forward to is building up my confidence and my comfort level to a point where I can smile a lot more in class. This is another one of those leadership-type opportunities that I like because of how much they challenge me. It’s scary and I’m bound to have some failures and probably overcommit myself this quarter, but it’s also a chance to learn worlds of new skills by experience and practice.
It’s almost amazing to me that I still have the energy and adrenaline-handling presence of mind to go for things like this – taking me into a stressful, but rewarding venture. Then again, maybe I’m starting to sound pretty discombobulated and that might be a sign I’m in over my head.
Bottom line, I really hope tonight goes well, so I can build on top of positive energy for the future classes.
The lonesome feeling March 14, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
No matter how old I get or how much school and work I’ve been through, on occasion, I still get this empty, lonely feeling of abandonment. It strikes when I have a scary test or work project and a lot of on-my-own time to work on it. Some people slack off, some people buckle down. I get lonely and “cold.” A part of me wonders if it’s the residue of abandonment that I experienced in small and infrequent, but exaggerated for a child’s mind, when I was very little. I remember rainy cold days, my nose stuck to the window and I look outside, sobbing and whispering to myself. I think my mom used to run to the store across the street and it seemed to me like forever.
To this day, I can focus and do my own work so long as I am surrounded by people – even if they are strangers, even if they are not talking.
I am sure it is not a unique experience, but I guess it continues to take me by surprise when it hits on occasion so much later in my life. True it happens less often. And true, it doesn’t hit when I am working on a short timeline and I am engaged in feverous work toward that short-term deadline. It only strikes when I have comfortable time to work on something. Perhaps it’s self-sabotage because I work best under pressure and this feeling enthralls me, eating up the generous time until it’s waddled down to urgency again.
Oh, well. Let’s see if I’m old enough now to control it a little better.
Doldrums February 1, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Grad school, Psyche.add a comment
Another missed day in my 30-day blogging challenge. This time, no cheating. I missed it because I was busy studying for an economics mid-term. Just finished that and feel completely defeated, deflated of any and all energy. And yet, I have reading to do for another class, step class to lead warm-up in today (that I haven’t had time to practice), and a statistics mid-term tomorrow.
I haven’t been this nervous for a test as I was for this econ mid-term. Not even during this past, first quarter of grad school. I was seriously shaking like a leaf. And apparently with good reason. I thought I was prepared, I thought I was really getting it when I finished reviewing last night and again this morning when I was working on the practice mid-term. But I did not do well.
Alas, the most frustrating part is that I ran out of time again like I did during the first of a set of surprise quizzes. I knew I was having trouble with a problem that I typically actually found to be of the easiest type. So, I stopped, re-set it. Then when through parts a) and b) only to realize it wasn’t coming out right for me to be able to do part c). Went back, figured I must have confused myself when I tried to reset and indeed I had. So, I started from scratch and didn’t have time to finish… in fact I so jumbled it that I would be surprised if I get any credit for it whatsoever. And I wasn’t crazy about other parts of the test too… but this sucked up so much energy… And I know better! I’ve taken plenty of tests. I should have moved on and come back to it, but I was so determined to do well on the piece that I “got” the most… that I royally screwed it up.
I want to scream, I want to run. Then I want to take a nap. Sounds like I’m mentally going through a childish tantrum.
I am now so glad that I got back into blogging-shape, because this is the only thing that’s keeping me going. I hate complaining to friends, I hate whining to family, but this way I still get to let it all out and hopefully – with enough Yoga breaths and purposeful staring out at the beautiful Lake Washington water-scape, I can move on with my day and regain positive composure.
Over the years, in school and work, I have slowly (if painfully) learned to move on. But it is somehow still incredibly difficult to let go of disappointments, especially ones that I am so frustrated with, that are completely my own fault. I need to regain composure, perspective and move on. I need to keep learning to let go. And perhaps most practically – I need to get back into Yoga classes. Deep breaths, taking care of myself. And I’ll deiffinitely need to stick to my resolution to smile more.
Learning vs implementing January 25, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Gibberish, Life, New Media, Psyche, Superfluous musings.add a comment
I’ve tried to challenge myself continuously. Early on in life that meant trying my best at academics, taking after-school math classes and private lessons in several subjects throughout grade school (credit here to my parents, especially my mother, who kept pushing me and instilling a drive for excellence; maybe border-line perfection).
Later, challenging myself meant going out of my shy shell and trying my hand at the school newspaper. Writing was fun, learning about it in this style was eye-opening. But the biggest advantage was going out of my comfort zone and interviewing people – strangers, or even popular students and intimidating administrators.
In college, I took a public speaking class. More fears overcome (these, of the stage-fright variety because it’s different talking with one or a handful of people in a small group and talking to a large gathering).
But to this day, I struggle to implement all of these carefully acquired skills into a holistic, practical approach to life.
For example, today I was in a slightly intimidating situation (well, maybe two) and I did many things well. They were pre-planned, pre-prepared, intentional and thoughtful.
But I also screwed up two little things – one I realized in the moment and decided it to be too small to be worthwhile amending. But the other, I kicked myself about later for not thinking of it in the moment.
I guess it means we all continuously grow. Yet, I can’t help but wish I was a little smoother in my flow through social (real) life. (Digital social life is a little more forgiving – there’s usually at least an opportunity to compose your thoughts together before making them public; and there are some built-in, even if not perfect, save-face tools.)
The whirlwind of inactivity March 9, 2009
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Gibberish, Life, Psyche, Work.add a comment
Lay offs are part of life, and a very common one of late. It has affected me in strange ways. At first, friends of mine were impacted. It was surreal and I wanted to help them, but I knew the workforce would be struggling for a while. When it was my turn, I had so much in terms of foreshadowing and forewarning that I had been wringing my hands for long enough to actually feel relieved when I finally knew the certainty. Then, the first reaction was guilt at that feeling. The second reaction, very strangely, has been complacency. Anecdotal this could be a blessing in disguise – giving the type of time one always wish they had to catch up on reading for fun, to research graduate school programs, to volunteer, to examine in-depth where to take the career track next. But that’s just anecdotal. After only a short while, one begins to feel restless, anxious to move on to the next productive phase of life and all of a sudden, even though one’s out of a job, the rat race feeling descends back almost mysteriously.
After a beautifully relaxing weekend, Monday morning started off with snow falling in such big rags the the wind was actually picking it up and raising it up before it sank lower than my third-floor window.
There are things that one does find time for that are useful – joining a massive social networking site that has been on the back burner for years and reconnecting with long-lost friends; actually catching up on for-fun reading; organizing the home abode, shifting furniture around, and resurrecting board games; re-energizing the gym membership with regular classes; cooking more; spending more quality time with family and friends, etc.
There is just one thing that appears to be on the back burner now – job and grad school research. Strange, isn’t it! And definitely very guilt-inducing. But for some reason, the most effort I have to put in is for this seemingly natural activity. I worry, most days, that I let the news cycle, Twitter, the blogosphere, overwhelm me with “there is no hope and there will not be hope for economic recovery for a long time to come” and find that it is futile to look. How sad that the deterrent is actually getting to me. Or perhaps it is an excuse? How awful would that be.
Hypocrisy turns yet another eerily dangerous corner September 6, 2008
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Civics, Elections 2008, Media, Psyche, Writing.1 comment so far
The United States cries foul when other countries suppress their freedom of the press, yet…
I don’t know about you, but this worries me! If the United States starts arresting its own protesters and journalists and charging those who dare speak out and question any political establishement with terrorism of all things… then why should the rest of the world pay attention to our condemnation of the Chinese censorship of the Internet, the Russian mysterious killings of journalists, kidnappings of newscasters and closing of media outlets in Iraq and Afghanistan, or the open prosecution of reporters in the Philippines?
Loving Seattle May 1, 2008
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Energy efficiency, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings.add a comment
I am really enjoying a pseudo business trip to Seattle. It’s strange, it’s almost as though I haven’t been to the city in a year… and actually it has been that long and longer. I live in Portland! Such an odd concept, still getting used to it and definitely yearning for Seattle.
There are so many new buildings – condos, apartments, hotels – in the Denny area! It’s incredible. I’m thoroughly enjoying typing from the comfortable… hmmm… not sure what this particular piece of furniture is called, but is a couch-type with a back on it’s narrow side a longish, half-way down the length, side-rest. It’s intended for reading, I know that much. 
It’s right by the huge window and I’m looking out on Lake Union, bar a few not-too-ugly factory-style buildings converted to modern office spaces/loft-like and hip.
The bathroom has a bathtub and separate shower, all-Plexiglas cube. To enhance the see-through openness of the place, there are sliding doors on two sides – one’s the door, the other is a window-like area along the bathtub that opens into the main room, and across the bed you actually gaze out the window. I might try sitting there a little later in the bathtub, watching the city lights, or the news on TV, and the only thing that would have been event nicer is a glass of wine. I could go down to the Whole Foods and grab a bottle, I suppose, or some tea… and I might actually do that last thing, because my room has only coffee in it and I’d like to relax.
I feel calm. I’m still a bit stressed for tomorrow, the all-agency meeting, the drive back in the humongous Suburban, but that’s come when it comes. For now I am enjoying being back in the city I am so drawn to. I still feel a sense of nostalgia but it’s sweeter up here. I miss the friends that used to live in the city itself – they are all scattered now in the suburbs, engaged, and/or married with children. How did we all grow up so fast?
I’m still not sure if I will be satisfied and happy living back in Seattle, but I really do love the feeling the city gives me this evening. It’s vibrant, it’s lively, it’s alive.
I miss my love. I also miss my friends stronger when I’m here than when I’m in Seattle. Strange as it is… I guess the proximity feeds the earning.
I enjoyed the cooking school experience as well. Fun, low key, yet feeling like we accomplished something. (under the experienced eyes of two chefs, of course) Eating by the waterfront is always a pleasure as well – and Lake Union is probably one of the nicest backdrops in Seattle.
Feeling way too lovely tonight. I will do my best to enjoy it while it is untarnished.
Goodnight.
Are there just so many prototypes? November 20, 2007
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Gibberish, Life, Psyche, Science, Superfluous musings.2 comments
Living in cities that are populous enough that I see new faces every day, I’ve observed something interesting all my life. It’s probably a phenomenon others’ share as well. The experience is something like this: you notice that everyone around you – all the strangers – map quite well onto other people you know. I am talking about appearances only, here, not personality or anything deeper than that. But almost anyone I see and meet looks like someone else and has similar mannerisms… you can sort of see what “kind” of person you are resting your gaze upon. It’s rather odd. I’ve met my share of “doubles” – someone who looks exactly like your best friend but lives half a world around and doesn’t speak the same language.
So, lately, I’ve been wondering if there are only a limited number of human prototypes, so to speak. And if everyone is essentially a print that belongs to a particular “kind” of person, then could you line up all the people in the world, according to similarities in features, body type and mannerisms? And if so, could you observe a continuance? And maybe you would see that people, all people, are alike because you’ll have an endless string of people who look similar to each other and the features gradually blend in with next string of prototypes and so on until all people around the world could be connected in a blend of sorts. I’m having a hard time explaining this. Let’s see… it’s like that Michael Jackson video (5:27). There.
