Hot summer, living in the city May 14, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Family, Friends, Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
It’s hot in Seattle. Very much summer-like. It makes me a tad lazy and sleepy. I am grateful, though, that at least in my busy day, running from one commitment to another, I’m at least running through a beautiful green campus and taking in the outdoors.
I have also been thinking about how fast my life has been, how I don’t do well (mentally, that is) if I’m under-utilized, etc. It feels good to be in a swirl of things, but I am also thinking a lot about priorities in life lately. Call it a quarter-ish-life crisis? I want to spend time with my loved ones more and make that my top priority, cut myself some slack when I’m not doing “stellar” in every thing I’m getting involved with (though it is nice to deliver well on the things I commit to and try my best)… I guess I’m craving a better compartmentalization of school and work commitments on one side and social and family/friends commitments on the other (acknowledging these often interplay).
Oh, it’s the same ‘ol story about finding that elusive balance in life. I guess I’m revisiting it because it was recently hinted that my health (amount of sleep and quality and timing of meals during the school/work week) have been suffering. But in the same breath expectations of multi-tasking and doing it well were reiterated. So, I’ve been thinking lately how I know a lot of people who appear to do it ALL. better, but I am also convinced lately that life is such a different state for the different people I look up to… I am finding new merit in the wisdom of someone very dear to me – to be truly happy and live in the moment, I must stop comparing myself to others. My life is mine and it’s unique. I guess the only thing is – it’s nice to hear that people you respect and look up to (not compare yourself to 
) respect you in return, value your efforts, your contributions, and are proud of your achievements. It’s nice (and empowering, uplifting) to hear that once in a while.
P.S. I fear being not-good at all things I take up, simply because I am stretched too thin or worse, because I choose not to prepare properly because I am too busy but still want to enjoy time with my family and friends.
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Melons April 23, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
I am definitely carrying too many proverbial melons under one armpit. I have a lot of different activities going thus quarter – from a demanding class schedule and really ambitious projects, to a new part-time job where I am surrounded by experts and must learn 100 mph, to a new challenge leading my own step class once per week. Oh, yeah, and trying to get to an insanely early yoga class twice per week.
I am tired of looking at frustrating problems (like tough group projects) as opportunities to grow and learn. No. Enough of that smoke’n'mirrors. There comes a point when it’s no longer an opportunity and just a pain. I want to be learning from positive experiences, not just from adversities and challenges.
Perhaps I am just tired and whiny. I wonder if I will stumble through it all successfully and become one of the old people who does a lot of different things well, with a lot of grace. Will people ever perceive my quiet, experienced poise as wisdom?
I am still eager to learn. Perhaps more than I have been in a long time. But I am also tired and getting a little impatient for arriving at that calm part of life where knowledge and experience settle in for an ease and effortless smiles all around.
The lonesome feeling March 14, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Psyche, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
No matter how old I get or how much school and work I’ve been through, on occasion, I still get this empty, lonely feeling of abandonment. It strikes when I have a scary test or work project and a lot of on-my-own time to work on it. Some people slack off, some people buckle down. I get lonely and “cold.” A part of me wonders if it’s the residue of abandonment that I experienced in small and infrequent, but exaggerated for a child’s mind, when I was very little. I remember rainy cold days, my nose stuck to the window and I look outside, sobbing and whispering to myself. I think my mom used to run to the store across the street and it seemed to me like forever.
To this day, I can focus and do my own work so long as I am surrounded by people – even if they are strangers, even if they are not talking.
I am sure it is not a unique experience, but I guess it continues to take me by surprise when it hits on occasion so much later in my life. True it happens less often. And true, it doesn’t hit when I am working on a short timeline and I am engaged in feverous work toward that short-term deadline. It only strikes when I have comfortable time to work on something. Perhaps it’s self-sabotage because I work best under pressure and this feeling enthralls me, eating up the generous time until it’s waddled down to urgency again.
Oh, well. Let’s see if I’m old enough now to control it a little better.
Learning vs implementing January 25, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Gibberish, Life, New Media, Psyche, Superfluous musings.add a comment
I’ve tried to challenge myself continuously. Early on in life that meant trying my best at academics, taking after-school math classes and private lessons in several subjects throughout grade school (credit here to my parents, especially my mother, who kept pushing me and instilling a drive for excellence; maybe border-line perfection).
Later, challenging myself meant going out of my shy shell and trying my hand at the school newspaper. Writing was fun, learning about it in this style was eye-opening. But the biggest advantage was going out of my comfort zone and interviewing people – strangers, or even popular students and intimidating administrators.
In college, I took a public speaking class. More fears overcome (these, of the stage-fright variety because it’s different talking with one or a handful of people in a small group and talking to a large gathering).
But to this day, I struggle to implement all of these carefully acquired skills into a holistic, practical approach to life.
For example, today I was in a slightly intimidating situation (well, maybe two) and I did many things well. They were pre-planned, pre-prepared, intentional and thoughtful.
But I also screwed up two little things – one I realized in the moment and decided it to be too small to be worthwhile amending. But the other, I kicked myself about later for not thinking of it in the moment.
I guess it means we all continuously grow. Yet, I can’t help but wish I was a little smoother in my flow through social (real) life. (Digital social life is a little more forgiving – there’s usually at least an opportunity to compose your thoughts together before making them public; and there are some built-in, even if not perfect, save-face tools.)
Still trying to get a grip January 10, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Education, Gibberish, Grad school.add a comment
At the risk of starting to show my true colors (i.e. whiny complainer), I had another day of grasping for getting on track… slept in again. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday, and I’m prepared with with is due today. But I know I am far behind on a project due Thursday and I haven’t done anything about it yet. Starting to feel like a slacker, even though I feel more on top of things than I did most of last quarter.
Perhaps I felt this “in control” in the beginning as well, I just don’t remember anymore.
I have to say something about networking and being a pushy get-things-checked-off-lists person. I’m back in that mode these first two weeks – but mostly pushing on the things that don’t’ depend on me. So, while I still have to write my proposal for a fellowship application, I have gathered tons of info on it from a myriad of contacts around campus, and have secured my three references, which I thought would take a lot longer. Maybe I was right and people do have a little bit more motivation and free time in the beginning of a quarter vs. the end or during break. Either that or I’m a slacker and not many others possess that high quality.
The grad school blues November 14, 2011
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Education, Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Superfluous musings.1 comment so far
The first quarter of my master’s degree is more than half-way through and I am feeling blue (rhyme unintended). I am consistently getting mediocre grades. And by that I mean – I am smack in the middle of the median scores. Literally. It’s frustrating. It would be better if it was due to overloading myself with internships or part-time work or even clubs, guest lecture attendance, fellowship applications, or any number of other extracurricular activities. I do nothing but school and four times per week fitness classes. That’s it.
I’ve been slacking. That’s probably a good chunk of the problem. I procrastinate on reading and tend toward the sleeping pattern of an undergraduate. I also feel older and slower than many of my classmates. But mostly it’s the lack of effort I put forth. I keep wondering if the solution may be as simple as overloading myself with activities and extra courses in the winter as I seem to perform best under pressure. But then there’s also (the bigger) part of me that thinks life is what it is and I should enjoy it, not grind through it, galloping at the speed of blurring everything around me and failing to experience it as I should.
The change doesn’t need to be that drastic, but as much as I advocate balance, I’m very bad at it myself. For example, instead of typing this I should be reading the textbook plopped beside me. But I also haven’t blogged in forever (again; what’s new?) and had intended to blog my grad school experience to better understand it and prepare for the post-grad world (or more schooling).
So, here’s an attempt (sincere, though sleepy) at balance. Signing off now to read.
Reflections from 2009 December 27, 2009
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Dogs, Family, Gibberish, Life, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
This has been quite the year! Was laid off just before my birthday in January. Sadly, it was mostly a relief. Very unfortunate way to leave a job. But all in all, I learned a lot about work and about life from that company and its people. Was one of the last ones left, actually. But the collapse was not all due to the economic crisis, so that made things even harder and more frustrating.
After a few months of unemployment (and being a statistic), during which I got back in shape with regular gym classes (thank Goodness for step aerobics, pilates, and yoga), got a job in Seattle, lived apart from my love for a summer and stayed with my family until we moved to Seattle.
Reconnected with many friends and family back in the Puget Sound. Enjoyed a few friends’ weddings. Got a big scare from grandmother a few times, but she’s doing better now and is home, nearby – yet another reason it is good to be back in Seattle. About a month before year’s end, we got a dog, finally! The Boston Terrier we’ve been wanting for several years now.
Life is still stressful – financially (because of the difficult environment for job hunting, my love’s sacrifice for moving to Seattle is that he’s still job hunting and my work is good but uncertain in the face of clients’ budget cuts). But we are in a very happy place, it feels like home and it feels warm and cozy. It will all keep getting better.
Here’s to the last few days of this year being as wonderful as we want to make them and Cheers for an even more magical 2010. 
Hodgepodge catch-up post July 28, 2009
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Civics, Gibberish, Healthcare, Life, Media, New Media, Superfluous musings, Technology.add a comment
Life has definitely been a whirlwind in the past few months. After a layoff, several long weeks of semi-disheartened job searching, grandmother traveling back to Europe, sister’s graduation, new job (which was a surprise and has become a great learning experience), and lots of reconnections with friends, one moving wedding, and finally an apartment selection (and one more wedding prep), I have decided I’ll never “find” time to resume blogging. I had even taken to sending myself e-mails from my new smart phone (wow, never had a pocket-sized computer that makes phone calls before; they’re truly come along way, despite all the criticism) during my long commute via ferry – all with subject line “blog” and a sentence or two on a topic that was capitalizing my attention that day. Well, I won’t get around to developing full blog posts out of each e-mail, so here’s a hodgepodge list, just to get it out there and hopefully start blogging somewhat regularly again:
Celebrity deaths – what do they tell us? – I thought about this when news about Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Walter Cronkite (and I’m sure I’m forgetting someone) hit within a few short days of each other. Beyond the stories I was reading about online journalism, mobile technology, etc. and how these worldwide (in case of MJ) news bits profliferated many new technologies, I was thinking that a lot of these folks were fairly young and succumbed to either cancer, heart disease, or drugs (prescrption and otherwise) – worth pondering what these trends say about U.S. healthcare issues in light of the healthcare reform debate currently playing out in government.
The world as a community – I’m not sure what I was thinking exactly here, but in that e-mail I’ve written: “Obama approach – the global community organizer? Will that work?” Pretty cool to think about how global of a community we truly are – global warming, global economic crisis, global flu epidemic (that spread lightning fast), global mourning of Michael Jackson, etc. If anything, the United States is lucky to have so global of a leader again (I think the last to be revered abroad was Bill Clinton).
Why are we so afraid of government meddling – This was a thought brought about by the healthcare reform debates I kept hearing on NPR on my commute to and from work. To quote myself again from that e-mail: “Isn’t that the point of representative government? If they really mean it, why aren’t (Republican) politicians declining their government health plans & buying their own – after all that is the ultimate free market.” No need to elaborate here, I think (except to reiterate how irritated I am by blatant and not unintentional hypocrisy).
Reaction to NPR healthcare story on All Things Considered (July 1) – “Gov $ already going more & more to healthcare & decisions are out of patients’ hands b/c of insurance rules & coverage patterns, not b/c of gov bureucrats… & it’s much costlier often than just treating…” – basically what I always take issue with when Republican (and some Blue Dog Democrats) talk about the danger of having the government make healthcare decisions for you instead of that being up to you and your doctor. Hah! Who makes those decisions now? Insurance companies. They must know better than the government. (And don’t even get me started on the whole argument of whether the government will encroach that much into the decisions anyway.)
Media splinters – As a PR professional, I started in fall 2006 targeting “top tier” publications; today, for the best impact, we target “niche” publications – audiences have splintered into specialized interests thanks to the bloggosphere, other new media on the Internet, a-la-carte news and opinion even on cable news TV networks. It took something like MJ’s death to bring the whole world’s attention to one story, like a lazer beam.
Are we all spoiled consumers? – “Do we expect too much from our technology, too fast? Can’t help but wonder, reading all the new smart phone reviews (partial to Palm Pre – small keyboard actually a + for me, but would like better/more solid hardware & more apps..)”
The return of yard and garage sales – Is this a sign of the (tough economic) times? I can’t remember when was the last time I saw a sign for a garage sale and they were everywhere in the late 1990s when my family first moved to the United States. All of a sudden this summer they’re everywhere again.
Why is customer service so poor? March 17, 2009
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Gibberish, Life, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
Why is customer service so poor so often nowadays? I’d imagine that in a time when customers are become a rare breed, any potential buyer would be treated with more deference than ever. But no, it seems that increasingly I run into rude, short, presumptuous people who assume that you are about to damage or steal the goods.
Oh, well, perhaps we are all on edge lately. There is plenty of anger and heavy helpings of blame to go around with the economy tanking, scarce jobs, tight budgets, health care woes, homes in jeopardy, and a worldwide crisis hitting nearly simultaneously all around. Perhaps everyone’s attitude should flip to the positive – and perhaps we can start as customers and maybe it’ll then rub off to the grumpy customer service reps. Finger’s crossed.
On a related (or not) tangent, I noticed tonight – when chatting with a friend I hadn’t seen in nearly 10 years – there were two things I didn’t consciously recognize before: 1) people grow apart, in just a few years, and really don’t have much in common, making any run-ins somewhat mildly uncomfortable, as you try to feel out each other for new character traits… shouldn’t be that way; that was probably more me than the other person’s approach; 2) I’ve been very stealthily avoiding to mention that I’ve been laid off – in any circumstances, really – from a career networking casual event, to job fairs, to catching-up encounters with friends. I am not sure how to analyze that exactly… I feel ashamed a bit, as though I wasn’t strong enough of a link in a company to be kept on… I know that’s not the case, but I can’t help the subconscious voice in my head. Maybe that’s the key to the full-force “recovery” we all need – a collective attitude change and a resurgence of self-confidence, power and determination.
The tangential frustrations of unemployment March 11, 2009
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Family, Gibberish, Life, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
When you are unemployed and feel you’ve taken all the right steps, but the right opportunities just aren’t aligning yet, you begin to get frustrated. You try to catch yourself and take a deep breath every time exasperation creeps in, but it’s tough. Especially when loved ones – who only mean to help – begin suggesting the leadership phrases you should include in your resume, and where you could look for jobs, etc. You want to take it out on them for not giving you enough credit that you’ve done all of that legwork already, all of the preparation, all of the networking, all of the job application submissions with customized cover letters each… But you can’t, because it’s not fair. They mean well. And they themsevles have a good job … in this economy. It’s not a derision on your accomplishments, it’s a good-intentioned helpful hand. Take a deep breath. Pause. Think about that. And it’s probably better that you say nothing if all you can muster to say is either a knee-jerk overreaction or a sarcastic comment that would offend the helpful, sympathetic friend or relative.
I guess the tougher challenge is to keep up your own good spirits. But the answer is definitely not taking out frustration on those around you who are genunitely supportive, even if their way of demonstrating support frustrates you.
