Maybe it’s the discipline, stupid? March 29, 2012
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I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to others. Especially in grad school where everyone comes from a different background, is in a different place in life, and has different goals in life. But I can’t help it. And I do believe some comparison helps – hopefully makes you more competitive and driven. Hopefully the effect is productive. Well, not 100 percent true and not 100 percent of the time. Just did that mistake I inwardly laugh at other people for – shared a grade I got in casual conversation with a master’s colleague. She was at least nice enough to share her grade – rather better. I immediately proceed to do the other thing I inwardly pity people about – feel sorry for myself.
Yes, I am constantly reminded that just when I think someone is amazing (working in an internship-type job, TA-ing, and taking max full time credit hours and getting great grades, plus volunteering on top of all that – this example is a different colleague, from a different master’s degree program), someone else appears to do even more, even better.
But then I wonder if telling myself that I want to enjoy school, not whiz through it at break-neck stressful speed (after all, working is stressful and unpleasant enough), is just a copout. I used to be very driven and energetic. I wonder if some of my spirit has been bruised, or if it’s as simple as an attitude change based on new priorities in life.
Or maybe if I get a part-time job or internship or add another full class, I will maximize my time and the discipline of being so busy will help me get back into top shape, do more of my readings, focus more, be better overall.
I guess I won’t know for sure until something in my schedule changes significantly.
Tradeoffs and lessons February 13, 2012
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I woke up this morning mad at myself. I slept in, knowingly. I have so much homework and so much reading to catch up on. Nate is right – I can’t go through grad school the way I did through undergrad – with minimal reading and paying very close attention in lecture and just reviewing the detailed notes I took in preparation for tests.
I was nervous about econ and a surprise quiz today. It happened, but luckily I did OK because the TA was awesome and went through stuff in quiz section and the professor repeated it in class, so my old habits form undergrad helped. But I know I can’t keep getting away like that and I don’t want to – I want to study and read and really grasp things, which means a lot more outside time dedicated to school work than I currently allocate.
That all leads me to my step class training fiasco. I was happy with my decision to take this on. And still am. But I need to make peace with the sunk costs, have fun for the rest of the quarter and gracefully bow out. For two reasons: primarily that the instructor training me doesn’t seem to think I’m capable of actually doing the job; and secondly, but perhaps even more importantly, I should be dedicating my time to school work and using exercise as a stress-relief mechanism, not a source of additional stress.
Nate is right here again – I shouldn’t let one person’s opinion (this trainer) get to me. After all, she’s been doing this for a lot longer than I have and I’m only now starting to learn how to teach step… or any fitness class for that matter… or anything fitness-related. And teaching is a lot different from doing. Not to say my fate is sealed either, but I’m also thinking I won’t be able to dedicate the extra time needed in training on my own through the rest of the quarter in order to just focus on being relaxed and energizing in the classes themselves. So, I will aim to learn as much as I can but above all – try to have fun for the rest of the term and then cut things off and switch to taking classes for fun, relaxation and focus (besides, the way my grad school class schedule is looking like for next quarter, I would have a conflict with the step class anyway).
I am afraid of this thought bubbling up because it feels hypocritical and snobbish at this time, but I also am not crazy about my trainer’s style of step coaching either… so in that sense, Nate’s getting to the heart of it in that people have different preferences. I do feel bad, though, that it’s turning out I may have wasted her time… maybe not entirely, but definitely somewhat.
Now on to the positive side of all this: I still am glad I took a chance on learnign this for 3 reasons:
1) It’s a safe environment to do it and I wouldn’t have taken on learning how to coach step if it were in almost any other circumstance;
2) I now know that it isn’t for me; at least not here and within this style; I may consider picking it up again another time, but most likely not – I have a new level of appreciation of just enjoying the step as a participant! There is something true about my trainer’s perspective that a large part of this type of work is personality; the fact that I have the technique down and that I am not afraid of getting up in front of a group of people anymore isn’t necessarily the same thing as being energetic and positively shining enough to inspire people to have fun;
3) I am re-learning, at a new level and in a new context, a lesson I already knew – a deep appreciation and respect for the work of others who are talented in their field; that goes especially for teachers who have to not only be experts in their subject, but be very good at teaching and that’s a whole other craft; and also for people like nurses or doctors who have to not only be extremely strong science students, skilled/talented practitioners, but also effective people-communicators (at least for most specialties) because without that last bit – patients wouldn’t get the full benefit of education and sustainable recovery.
Net: teaching is a rare talent. Like singing which I sorely wish I could do well, because it seems like it would be a lot of fun. I wish I had a knack for teaching because it seems like it would be very gratifying.
But knowing more and more that I don’t have that teaching chromosome (to mix my metaphors), oddly encourages me in my pursuit of education policy as a career. I think/hope that my regained level of appreciation for talent in teaching will help me prize that highly and work to protect and nurture it – both for the sake of teachers but also for the sake of students and society more broadly.
How much chaos a good book can stir up January 16, 2012
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So, I am promising myself now that I won’t make this a post about how much Barnes & Noble sucked this holiday seasons when I was trying to order my first-ever Nook device with a membership discount.
I’ve been teased by many a family member about the fact that I’m trying to de-clutter my reading habit by buying yet another device. There is something about the digital ink technology, though, that just has me mesmerized. The elegance of the Simple Nook Touch is wonderful. I get on reading kicks once in a while, but have never in my life managed to stick with the exercise longer than a summer reading season or a brief winter break distraction episode. So, I knew I was sort of cheating myself this time around too but I really just wanted a darn Nook and I was going to justify it however I could.
What did I start reading? Classics. They’re free. “Madame Bovary” was first. Bit of an anit-climatic end. Then, I dove into “Pride and Prejudice” – way more enjoyable. I never knew it was this funny! I would have picked it up just as soon as I finished “Jane Eyre,” if I’d only known. I’d meant to read it at least since I saw “You’ve Got Mail” – it was Meg Ryan’s character’s favorite book.
Side note – thank the Internet gods for Goodreads.com – it’s a great way to keep a virtual library. Now I’m just waiting for someone to invent a digital wall of bookshelves for your home – so you can display all you’ve read without killing your back with countless boxes of books when you move.
Surprising as it may sound to bookworms, two books in less than a month is sort of a record for me. Mind you, I’m also reading for school (not as much as should – but that comes later). It’s been wonderful. I only hope I can keep it up.
Here’s the rub: I have been procrastinating on grad school homework because I get sucked into “Pride and Prejudice” every time I wake up my Nook. *sigh* What is one to do?
Of course, if it wasn’t for the Nook, there would doubtless be some other gizmo to distract me. Always has been. But at least I’m tickled to know that now I’m doing something more “good for you” than watching TV, binging on multiple show episodes on Netflix, or (arguably) playing Sims.
Wish me luck – both on the reading part and on the grad school homework part. I had to submit a fellowship application, deadline tomorrow, and I only wrote the proposal this afternoon, but at least it’s submitted now and I can focus on my two, rather time-consuming, assignments due in 3 days (or 2, depending on how you count). Worst part? I had practically a four-day weekend to “catch up” on my readings for school and instead I fell behind further. On the upside, I’ve been keeping up with my “smile more” New Year’s resolution – can’t help it when binging on several chapters of “Pride and Prejudice” per seating.
From exotic, to assimilated, to interesting, to ordinary, to common January 13, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Education, Grad school, Language, Life, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings, Work.add a comment
Mid-May this year will mark the half-way point – I will have then spent half of my life in Bulgaria and half of it in the United States. It’s another milestone. I’ve had several in the last handful of years. First, I turned 27 – silly mark, but I had always imagined “what my life might be like” because I am born on the 27th day of the month and somehow that seemed significant. My life was good. I was healthy, in love, living in a beautiful city with the love of my life, making decent money. But I was very stressed. Work was quickly going downhill. On my birthday I got laid off, by phone. It was actually a relief. It was clear it was coming for a long time and I was so distressed I hadn’t been working to my full potential in a while.
Life has been funny. Often stressful, but it’s always worse in the moment than later, when you reflect upon it.
Then I worked in a place I had a premonition about. I knew it would become very difficult to thrive there very quickly, but I took the opportunity because it was a job offer in 2009. Those things were hard to come by (and still aren’t easy). Soon, I was at my wit’s end. Worse than any previous work (or otherwise experience). Blessing in disguise, it turned out. Two things happened because of how miserable I was at work – I got into therapy, something I had wanted to do for years. The other hidden benefit – I applied to grad schools. Finally.
The year 2011 was by far the wildest emotional roller-coaster I’ve been on yet. I got accepted into the fancy-name, DC school of my undergrad dreams. Validation. Relief.
A few days later I got forced to resign from the dreadful job. No relief. Sort of an empty feeling instead. Peculiar. Oh, and a lot of frustration and resentment. Almost anger. Mixed with regret for not saying proper goodbyes to almost anyone I enjoyed working with there (which was all but one).
Flew to DC for the second time in my life. Nostalgia. But also a lot optimism for the future. Feeling very torn. But beginning to realize that option would be too expensive and perhaps not the best fit for me at this stage in life. Other than therapy, this was the second overt sign of a looming-30s crisis and/or life reflection.
Meanwhile, a wonderful career opportunity opened up. It was just a few weeks after leaving the other job. The company where I had wanted to work since 2008 was finally making me an offer – and what a package! Was I dreaming? But I was so nervous accepting as it looked likely grad school was in the cards for the fall. I was indecisive for as long as I could. I got a lot of conflicting advice from a lot of people I respect. In the end, I went for it.
Wonderful experience. Perhaps it really isn’t me. Perhaps I really can do a good job at this type of work if I’m in the right environment, encouraged the right way, and criticized with respect. Felt vindicated and overjoyed to work with wonderful people. Sadness crept in.
I had also been accepted to a local university – my top choice, in a program that was a much better fit.
Moved in September. Resigned from my wonderful job. Started school the following Monday. Loved it.
Still enjoyed myself through the rest of the year, but kept wondering – how do I now see my life unfolding? I am getting “old.” Friends are having kids. I am just embarking on a 3-year journey. And on top of that, money’s melting away and I’m not even getting scholarships or other merit-based awards for school. Grades are OK, but that too I am not used to. I think I’m becoming just ordinary with age.
Beginning to wonder if it’s due to my lack of focus. I shouldn’t still be searching for my passion. I should allow myself to just pursue it. I’m overly cautious. But I’m almost at the point where I throw all that to the wind and try to live who I am.
30 is almost here. And the half-way point of my split life will come soon after. I have strong opinions about my home country, but I also miss my memories and I wish I went back to visit more often. Perhaps it is time to start traveling. Just do things, enough with the planning and dreaming and questioning. Baby steps. Going to our home of 27-fame for my 30th birthday. It should feel nice to embrace a city that I only grew to love (I was originally very antagonistic having only moved there for work). It will be changed. But not more than my home city. And cities, like people, change over time. A little for the better, a little for the worst. But they are who they are and I still love them, even if the sense of nostalgia changes flavor each time I visit.
Still trying to get a grip January 10, 2012
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At the risk of starting to show my true colors (i.e. whiny complainer), I had another day of grasping for getting on track… slept in again. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday, and I’m prepared with with is due today. But I know I am far behind on a project due Thursday and I haven’t done anything about it yet. Starting to feel like a slacker, even though I feel more on top of things than I did most of last quarter.
Perhaps I felt this “in control” in the beginning as well, I just don’t remember anymore.
I have to say something about networking and being a pushy get-things-checked-off-lists person. I’m back in that mode these first two weeks – but mostly pushing on the things that don’t’ depend on me. So, while I still have to write my proposal for a fellowship application, I have gathered tons of info on it from a myriad of contacts around campus, and have secured my three references, which I thought would take a lot longer. Maybe I was right and people do have a little bit more motivation and free time in the beginning of a quarter vs. the end or during break. Either that or I’m a slacker and not many others possess that high quality. 
Day 2: Anxiety January 9, 2012
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Not anxiety about sticking to the 30-day experiment. More anxiety about grad school and how I’m going to deliver on all my commitments. They aren’t even that demanding yet. Projects due already this week (second week of the second quarter), readings piling on, fitness job training looming, fellowship application deadline creeping up – and all I can think of is the low key trip we have planned for my 30th birthday. That and the fact that I just need to smile more, enjoy life, and not take everything seriously.
Short post, but at least it’s not done last-minute. Really hoping to get this rhythm going more smoothly, though. Slept in almost two hours later than I hoped to today. Goal is wake up in time to have breakfast and lunch before I heard to school, and to start the “work” day with a blog before I jump into school readings, applicants, projects.
So far, it’s slowly getting there…
The grad school blues November 14, 2011
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Education, Gibberish, Grad school, Life, Superfluous musings.1 comment so far
The first quarter of my master’s degree is more than half-way through and I am feeling blue (rhyme unintended). I am consistently getting mediocre grades. And by that I mean – I am smack in the middle of the median scores. Literally. It’s frustrating. It would be better if it was due to overloading myself with internships or part-time work or even clubs, guest lecture attendance, fellowship applications, or any number of other extracurricular activities. I do nothing but school and four times per week fitness classes. That’s it.
I’ve been slacking. That’s probably a good chunk of the problem. I procrastinate on reading and tend toward the sleeping pattern of an undergraduate. I also feel older and slower than many of my classmates. But mostly it’s the lack of effort I put forth. I keep wondering if the solution may be as simple as overloading myself with activities and extra courses in the winter as I seem to perform best under pressure. But then there’s also (the bigger) part of me that thinks life is what it is and I should enjoy it, not grind through it, galloping at the speed of blurring everything around me and failing to experience it as I should.
The change doesn’t need to be that drastic, but as much as I advocate balance, I’m very bad at it myself. For example, instead of typing this I should be reading the textbook plopped beside me. But I also haven’t blogged in forever (again; what’s new?) and had intended to blog my grad school experience to better understand it and prepare for the post-grad world (or more schooling).
So, here’s an attempt (sincere, though sleepy) at balance. Signing off now to read.
Waiting for “Superman” – and waiting for reactions to it October 5, 2010
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Civics, Education.add a comment
Saw the “Waiting for ‘Superman’” movie this weekend. Highly recommend it to any and everyone, if not else as a thought-provoking and heartbreaking glimpse of the lives of a handful of children in some of the largest cities in the United States. I am eager to hear what everyone I know thinks of this story.
As any documentary with an agenda, this movie leaves a lot of questions in a viewer’s mind and leaves one wanting a fuller, more complete picture of all the issues, from all angle and from the perspective of all groups. It does vilify teachers’ unions and that’s unfortunate because they are not all bad (as The Economist quotes Bill Gates saying in their current issue’s article on this exact topic). But it also highlights some examples of the system that the unions control that are simply inexcusable.
I have many teacher friends and I know they feel constantly beat up and blamed for the systematic failure of the school system in this country. But I can’t help but observe the facts – children are dropping out and failing out of school in alarming numbers. I think it is time to stop pointing figures and start working together towards solutions.
Tenure does not belong in secondary education, but we should also award our good teachers accordingly.
Changes must start at home – parents have to become involved with their child’s education – from making sure home work is done and helping/engaging (reading to their youngsters, showing genuine interest in projects), to going to the parent-teacher conferences, to shutting down the video games and taking away the smart phones and TVs when grades drop.
Tough decisions have to be made in the classrooms, schools, districts and on a nation-wide scale. I dont’ pretend to know enough about the current curriculum, standards, tests, etc. but I know there has to be a national discussion and I believe in nation-wide high standards set to pull students up to a level that will prepare them for college and for a global economy of competitive and highly educated (and trained) world-wide workforce.
I won’t regurgitate my own experience with two starkly different secondary education systems (Bulgaria’s and the U.S. one) but I was lucky to, I believe, get the best of both (learn the basics in math, sciences, reading, writing, history, literature, etc. and the extra curricular/clubs and sports that taught me teamwork, directly translatable to the workforce skills, and challenged me to step outside of my academic comfort zone). Neither system in-and-of-itself is perfect, far from it, in fact. But I know there has to be a way to learn from both and prepare our children for the world of today and tomorrow.
If you see the movie (and be sure to donate to classroom projects with the voucher you’ll get through the website when you sign up for updates), please share your thoughts.
Education and the importance of liberal arts September 4, 2010
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Education, Grad school, International Relations.add a comment
Education is one of those handful of topics that I’ve considered for a while as I plot my graduate school course of study. I definitely want to explore comparing education systems globally. It’s been a curiosity for me ever since I started reflecting on my good fortune – completing grade school in a Eastern European country where memorization and drilling were the mantra, starting secondary (high school) education there with the same intensive curriculum, but completing it in the United States where extracurricular activities and sports were given high standing. And, of course, a liberal arts private university double bachelor’s degree, also in the States. I feel lucky to have the solid base of demanding grade school curriculum and the best of what U.S. education is known for – its cultivation of critical thinkers and problem solvers, life-long learners who are creative, independent, and encouraged to be leaders.
For a while now I have wondered what it is I should study for my master’s degree/s. Master’s has just been a natural progression in my mind, perhaps delayed a bit longer than I wish it was, but definitely growing in timeliness importance lately. I was putting it off to be sure what it is I want to dive deeper into. I still have way too many interests, but I’ve narrowed it down to non-profit/NGO type of organizations/foundations – i.e. I’d like to work for them, so I’d like to expand on my international relations/political science undergraduate degree, while – hopefully – still relying on my communications background and experience. But what kind of non-profit? Well, there are three themes dear to me – healthcare (on both, domestic and global scale), economic development in a globalized world (this would encompass anything from sensible and sustainable food production, to entrepreneurship, to technological innovation, renewable energy sources, research and development, etc.), and perhaps most poignantly – education. The latter being in particular important, in my mind, as a source of good in the world – of opportunity to eradicate poverty, but also as a source for competitiveness in an increasingly global and demanding workforce.
We’ll see where my next level of studies takes me, but I certainly want to make sure I keep my mind on the changing education systems here (in the United States) and throughout the world. We need inspired and inspirational teachers, everywhere.
Interesting theory about news April 17, 2009
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A friend had an interesting point about newspapers today. We were talking about the speed with which newspapers are closing up shop these days; how 2-3 years ago the expectation was that the huge dailies (NYT-caliber) and the ultra-local small papers will survive, while everything else will be extinct thanks to declining subscriptions and advertising rates (cragislist killed the paid classifieds, which is – surprisingly – even more important than glossy ads for many print publicatons). Today, it turns out even older generation readers are canceling their ultra-local newspaper subscriptions because they get all their “news” online. Even highly educated friends of mine are enamoured with the “news” they have access to at their fingertips, 24/7, video virtually as-it-happens, and they like being able to participate in the “news”-shaping and read mostly blogs, etc. But then I have to stop and think about it – are they really getting “news” in the strict definition of the term? They are certainly getting a lot more commentary and even pure value-deprived entertainment… at least based on what I was taught in j-school just four years ago. So why are people so quick to embrace all of this other stuff that’s marketed as “news.” Well, partly because it’s tailored to their world view and interests (narrowly focused topic-based blogs, entertianing vidoes, slanted media outlets (read: Fox, MSNBC, Air America, etc.). But partly because it’s all become so ubiquitos and we’ve all become so impatient.
When the plane recently crashed in the Hudson, I remember a PR colleague say he specifically experimented with tracking all the blogs, i-reporter style web sites, various other online outlets and the big ones – i.e. the old school journalism outlets… Turns out NYT.com was the last of the bunch to upload a story. Why? Because their reporters, despite witnessing the event as-it-happened, did some journalism – they called sources in the mayor’s office, the fire department, first responders, etc. and tried to gather and confirm facts. Everyone else beat them – eyewitnesses with video-capturing cell phones who uploaded nearly real-time, etc.
At any rate, I have recently been wondering a lot about how quickly things are shifting in the communications industry. When I started in PR 2.5 years ago, we were targeting top outlets for the highest impact, most top-tier readers reached, etc. Now, we tout targeting the narrowest of publications, the most niche blogs, because readership continues to splinter into interest groups and that’s where the most powerful impact can take place.
My friend’s point was that perhaps it will take a cataclismic event, a rock-bottom of sorts, that will help people see what they’re truly being fed as “news” and only then will we as readers and consumers revive our thirst for fact-checking, balanced journalism. (The real kind, now “fair and balanced” as in Fox branding.) It’s interesting isn’t it? She even compared it to the economy with a metaphor – both will hit rock bottom (as they are spiraling out of control now) before we see a curve toward recovery.
I think this is fascinating time. Part of me wants to be in grad school to observe and analyze… but perhaps a bigger part of me wants to be in the business itself, participating, being part of the changes, truly working in, with, and during these unprecedented and increasingly faster changes. Fascinating.
