Exhausted and happy January 29, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Family, Food, Grad school, Life, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings.add a comment
This extended weekend trip was wonderful – almost perfect, but if it was exactly as I had pictured it, it wouldn’t be my life. So, in the end it has left me smiling, though tired. Very happy and content. I have wonderful family and friends. They continue to make me feel loved every day and all I can do is keep trying to show them how much they mean to me.
We were making new layers of memories in PDX this trip. On top of piles of other layers of mostly us-time. I think for that reason Portland will always have a special place in our hearts. As magical as these three days were, as sad as we both were to return to life, responsibilities and fixed schedules, this also means that we are coming back to loved ones and to meaningful, if routine, contributions.
The two things that came out of this … well, three:
I relaxed. Those who know me, know this is a feat.
I realized I have become more capable of enjoying the moment instead of leaving my body for my mind to drift off into the intricacies of building a particular memory while it was happening.
And lastly … I guess and a) and b) here:
- I gained a new craving for yoga (apparently at 30, you can’t keep eating as before without feeling and looking blah);
- We reawakened our appetite for getaway vacations and are already scheming for spring break.
We’ll see if this complete shut-off for three days has any detrimental effects on the upcoming midterms.
Games January 28, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in 30-day resolution of 2012, Family, Games, Life, Reading, Reminiscing, Superfluous musings.add a comment
Games are a lost relationship builder. I don’t mean video or other electronic games and I don’t mean social group-building with strangers around the world. I mean, a quality-time engaging activity to do with family, friends, and loved ones. So often we let media wash over us. Even when we watch a movie or show with family or friends, it is a relaxing, shared experience but little less. Sometimes, we get drawn into a show or feature film and discuss it with those we watched it with, but even the it’s a rather passive endeavor. Board, card, and other hands-on games tend to teach you new skills – whether logic, math, statistics, economics, vocabulary, trivia, social, creative, etc… They also tend to teach you new things about the people you play with. Isn’t it fun to keep learning about those in your life you thought you knew best?
All these philosophical musings courtesy of Catan – Settlers and Struggle both. It’s been wonderful to play more games with people I love lately (fiends, family, and a variety of games, not just the Catans). It’s also been wonderful to read more, both for school (more discipline this quarter) and for fun! I’m general I’ve been feeling more content, happier… Maybe it’s a sort of ripening with age.
Oh, I’m extra sentimental tonight. My love and I are enjoying a beautiful extended weekend/mini-vacation in the place we called home for two years, the place we slowly grew to love, and where we fell even deeper in love with each other. Yeah, I’m decidedly a sap.
30 insight January 27, 2012
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Only one observation from this sunny Friday afternoon when I turned 30. The day was spent on the road, going away to a 3-day mini-vacation in PDX, our old abode. And the whole way I kept thinking that for the next decade of my life, I’d like to focus on feeling relaxed, smiling a lot more, and making sure I have a non-ending supply of reasons to smile.
Countdown January 26, 2012
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I was trying to think of what to write about all day. Now, in less than an hour, I turn 30. I know it’s silly, but it feels quite momentous. It’s rare that I’ve been this aware of how irreversible time is.
Earlier today I was thinking – what am I really good at. I think I’m best at being a student. But facing this milestone, I keep thanking my lucky stars for the opportunity to be at school again, yet wondering what it is I should really do with the rest of my time. Priorities are crystallizing almost by themselves. I am also learning how to let go of some of the countless ambitions. It’s intimidating to think that I have to really focus on a few successful endeavours but it’s also a significant relief to feel comfortable with letting some things go.
Yeah, it’s a rambling kind of night. I feel a little uncertain of how to feel. I’ll check back in tomorrow – let you know how different 30 feels.
Learning vs implementing January 25, 2012
Posted by midnightzimadreams in Life, Psyche, Gibberish, Superfluous musings, New Media, 30-day resolution of 2012.add a comment
I’ve tried to challenge myself continuously. Early on in life that meant trying my best at academics, taking after-school math classes and private lessons in several subjects throughout grade school (credit here to my parents, especially my mother, who kept pushing me and instilling a drive for excellence; maybe border-line perfection).
Later, challenging myself meant going out of my shy shell and trying my hand at the school newspaper. Writing was fun, learning about it in this style was eye-opening. But the biggest advantage was going out of my comfort zone and interviewing people – strangers, or even popular students and intimidating administrators.
In college, I took a public speaking class. More fears overcome (these, of the stage-fright variety because it’s different talking with one or a handful of people in a small group and talking to a large gathering).
But to this day, I struggle to implement all of these carefully acquired skills into a holistic, practical approach to life.
For example, today I was in a slightly intimidating situation (well, maybe two) and I did many things well. They were pre-planned, pre-prepared, intentional and thoughtful.
But I also screwed up two little things – one I realized in the moment and decided it to be too small to be worthwhile amending. But the other, I kicked myself about later for not thinking of it in the moment.
I guess it means we all continuously grow. Yet, I can’t help but wish I was a little smoother in my flow through social (real) life. (Digital social life is a little more forgiving – there’s usually at least an opportunity to compose your thoughts together before making them public; and there are some built-in, even if not perfect, save-face tools.)
Sore and spinning January 24, 2012
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The first step class of the quarter yesterday evening kicked my butt. Well, it kicked my quads, actually. High time I got back in shape. And there’s some added stress because I am training how to teach it. Very intimidating. But I just heard an NPR piece, one of the features with some moral insight about life that you can take away in your back pocket. This one was to learn to be a little braver and to speak out because in most cases saying something – even if it’s not received all that well (at least you tried!) – is better than remaining silent. So, as I promised my speech professor in undergrad, I continue to challenge myself and push beyond my comfort zone. Wish me luck. I’ll need a lot of it.
But the other thing that’s been swirling around my brain lately is how rushed our lives are! This second quarter of grad school has been whizzing by way faster than the first one. But I also remember my work days and those were just about as hectic (though my nights weren’t usually quite this late; for contrast though, I manage to sleep in quite late in the mornings now). I know – intellectually – that on the net as a society + all this technology, we are more productive than ever before. However, I can’t help but wonder sometimes – what are we sacrificing (trading off/opportunity cost) in terms of quality when we rush through every project, every task, every endeavor, even (and especially) the personal ones. How much true quality time do we spend with one another?
Personal disappointments and frustrations January 23, 2012
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I hate when I am the culprit of my own frustration. I knew we would have a pop/surprise quiz today in economics and I didn’t study until some cramming this morning. Of course, I walked away feeling terrible about it. I knew I messed things up, but wasn’t quite sure where/how. I figured it out quickly by reviewing notes. And now I’m even more frustrated.
Not that it’s the end of the world. It’s not at all a significant fraction of my overall grade. But it’s the principle of it. I am falling behind and I hate when I fall behind. I feel like I’m sort of holding on in my other two main classes and it was at the expense of this one. That and I didn’t really need to full-on catch up, all I had to do is review notes from class a little more closely and try some of the homework problems, and I would have been fine.
What happens when I fall behind, though, is a phenomenon that I have been trying to fight for years now – both as a student and as a professional. I tend to want to catch up in a linear, systematic way. It just isn’t practical. I need to cut my losses (aka my sunk costs) and move on from there. But it’s against my nature. And in this case, against teh way I’ve always been taught math and related sciences like econ – it’s all a chain, so you ahve to follow step-by-step, if you miss a link, you’re lost. Well, I wanted to go back and retrace all individual links separately and deliberately. There just doesn’t seem to be time for that in this incredibly fast-paced second quarter.
I knew getting into this that it would fast-paced and it would be a lot of studying on my own, vs. more hand-holding and class-time intensity at the undergrad level. Everyone told me so. I believed them. But I didn’t know just what that meant in practical terms until this second quarter when we’re building on concepts from the first quarter, which were also taught at neck-breaking speed and with assumptions that we either already knew a lot of econ, or that we would be comfortable with just not quite grasping some concepts as we raced along. Well, neither is the case for me, so I keep struggling – at least now with my eyes wide open to the problem.
There goes 30 days January 22, 2012
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I was having so much fun yesterday, playing board games with friends, baking, driving outside our formerly snowed-in neighborhood for the first time in nearly a week… that I forgot to blog! It simply slipped my mind. Blogging twice today just won’t make up the miss. So, the 30-day goal is now ruined. I am super annoyed, I can’t deny. But I am also finding about myself lately that I care less about perfection than I have known myself to be about. (I should mention I have a sore back muscle, sort of a fuzzy head, and am typing this up on the iPad I haven’t used in a while, so my annoyance and my coherency are really messing with the clarity of the writing. Yeah, I know – more excuses!)
Life has been going in slow motion for a few months now. I keep thinking I’ll slap out of it, but I just keep floating along.
Maybe I need coffee today.
Cheating the system. Can I live with it? Oh, yeah. January 21, 2012
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And I’m back. Guess what? You can post-date posts. So, I am openly admitting that I am cheating the system to make up for this day I missed. I even meant to blog, I had opened the website, and ended up getting distracted with baking and then rushing out to make it to dinner an d board games with friends. So, I can live with it. I better. My back is killing me today, I feel old because (ironically) I haven’t had a back spasm in years. And my rate of irritation is increasing, so I will be doing whatever I can to be nice to my loved ones today and not take it out on them.
A day lost in cozy slumber January 20, 2012
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What did I do today? I finished a book in the wee hours. I slept. I had breakfast and took the dog out for a slushy walk in the melting snow and freezing rain. I started a new book. I tried to read for school. Instead I took a nap on the couch with the dog. Where has the day gone?
And to think that a week from today I turn 30. This 30-day blogging challenge is somewhat symbolic. I think it is high time I started taking on more challenges. I have been, a little so far this year. And I have started rebuilding my confidence after a rough 2011. But there’s always room for improvement it seems.
And a curious side-note – I’ve entered into a whimsical phase again, seeking out classic novels (from all periods and countries), city + nature landscapes, and PBS/NPR entertainment. I wonder if these can all be characterized as age-related melancholy. The things missing – leisurely walks though beautiful parks and writing old-fashioned snail-mail letters. The former I took with my partner in life during the snow storm. But the latter – there’s a stack of cards and letters on the side of my desk. I haven’t pulled out my stationary out of the drawer yet.
